when i was 14 or 15 years old, i was playing contra and during the final boss i got aroused. the throbbing heart seemed orgasmic somehow; organic, pulsing, frantic. it may have been that i was just turned on randomly as horny teens are and simply imparted that onto what i was doing at the time. correlation not causation. at any rate, after finishing that run of contra, i'd resolved to masturbate to it when i got the chance. this was pre-internet, sans-hbo, and jack-off material other than the old mental spank bank were in extraordinarily short supply. the weekend immediately came to mind.
the rest of that week, i planned it all out during subsequent contra playthroughs. there are 4 alien hugger spawning pods in the final room that would need to be removed in order to leave the boss onscreen while unpaused. the pod on the ceiling in the rear is particularly tricky to remove and can't be done with all weapons. the boss also goes through varying stages of pulsing speed as it's damaged, i noted. i would remove all of the spawning pods leaving the boss undamaged, and then match its pace as it slowly died and i did the deed. this entire process was slowly distilled to a procedural a-priori science in my mind, no detail left unplanned.
saturday arrives, and i'm alone in the house with my nes. the plan is executed. i removed the alien pods and then there i am... whipping it while every minute or so and then picking up the controller and causing just enough damage to make the heart proceed into the next speed phase. the details must have somehow gotten lost in the glory of what was unfolding because i picked the controller up and fired off a few shots and instead of the pounding getting faster... the boss exploded. the screen faded. bill and lance escape from the island in a helicopter. the red falcon is no more. i'm still sitting there wondering what to do and how to finish up. i'm confused and angry at myself that i'd completely botched the execution. i thought there was one more faster phase remaining than there actually was.
i didn't feel like doing another complete run, so i powered off the nes and finished up in the bathroom. i didn't have the resolve to try it again, though i was tempted to purely because i don't like failure even at small tasks. maybe one day soon.
i learned everything i know from KC
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i once masturbated to the final boss of contra on nes
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