I figured it out, but recommend you leave this thread up for posterity's sake.
If anybody else is having similar issues:
The ps/2 to usb adapter I was using was the problem. Obviously the converters are unusable according to ultimarc, but some of the adapters are as well due to pin-outs being different.
I scooped a 5 dollar usb a/m to md6/f adapter from a local shop because it looked similar and I was desperate and it instantly worked. All problems solved.
Edited by DrawIslandSayGo (02/27/16 05:35 AM)
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