MAMEWorld Forums - The Loony Bin

i have 2 opposing personalities that want to believe 2 different things; one that cannot comprehend oblivion or infinite death and therefore rely (either on religion, personal belief, or a mix) on the assumption of an afterlife to continue feeling alive, and one that can rationalize every piece of evidence, emotion or thought down to simply being a complex living organism. i grew up catholic, and married into a heavy pentecostal family. for years, i attended church 3 times a week, did bible studies, prayer shifts, etc. the cynic personality insists all of my experiences were just being part of an ant farm that is the human condition, and most people either aren't intelligent enough to understand themselves or simply don't challenge their beliefs through discomfort or judgement. i see how we all need a foundation of belief, unless we all should live in simple chaos.

i'm growing weary of hearing and seeing "god has a plan" to describe simple, random events. everything goes well, "god is good". something bad happens, "god has a plan". i've seen an entire church community pray together wholeheartedly, and in good faith and meaning, for Plan-A to happen. when Plan-B happened despite the prayer, "god had a plan". it still doesn't change the fact that you may feel completely in the right praying for Plan-A in the first place when it is proven against the will and plan of god time and time again. it seems pointless to care or pray or exert yourself because god might just "have a plan" that doesn't include anything you're doing, saying, thinking or feeling. i've been baptized twice under two different banners, and have followed the bible mostly for my life. i've had experiences and once was convinced that i was blessed by god and had the holy spirit. i've never done drugs. i've only ever had sex with my wife, and the first time was on our wedding night. i always feel indebted to help out and i feel awful if i don't give things my all. i've never been jealous of anybody, nor done something to somebody out of spite. if i'm not happy, i always blame myself and try harder. despite my yelling and seemingly chaotic personality here, i've tried to live 'good and honest' and i try to be good by people. yet, none of this good-doing of late has been of comfort, for i'm slipping slowly into a calculated state of worry that i'm following a manifestation of culture and psychological subjection to myself in the attempt to comfort what i cannot understand. i know i'm probably clinically insane by most standards; i have erratic thoughts and emotions that far exceed what are probably acceptable threshholds for social appliance, and should by all means be a prime candidate for pharmaceutical medication... so, i've also come to not believe that my emotions, good, bad, intense, subtle or otherwise are any indication of a divine presence. like some here, i have had unearthly feelings of intense evil, and conversely of intense love. but again, i've read and studied enough to know that all types of mental activity are subject to things (like low frequencies) and you can experience all sorts of supernatural things by simple chemical and physical stimuli or manipulation. in short terms, i have a reasonably well-documented and plausible/scientific "excuse" not to believe anything. for every single experiencable feeling, i think i have an answer, which becomes a problem.

i'm slowly becoming more and more convinced that nothing lies beyond our experience and time here as people. if there were empirical, concrete evidence of an afterlife, there would be little to no crime or hate. it would be unfathomable that the world would run and police itself as it does today if we were all certain that we were living a trial. it's why there's hundreds of religions and personal beliefs of faith, all differing. if i force myself to think cold-hearted and logically, i understand there's no escape. the possibility of infinity frustrates me... angers me... it seems a curse. i literally used to get scared shitless and get in freaked-out mental traps as a kid trying to understand that i was never cognizant before i was born (or that i do not have memory of it); that i wouldn't be sitting in the passenger seat of my mom's car going down the highway had they not conceived and birthed me. now at this stage in life, i have to ponder to opposing side of that non-existance; the end of it. it's not a puzzling concept, but *accepting* as the prime subject is something that gives me bouts of depression for long periods of time. it's like thinking the same word over and over until the mental re-iteration of that word is senseless and foreign. sometimes i have to justify being completely destroyed just to feel like i can sleep. like, so many kids die young, or people killed in war, or assassinated presidents; i'm no more special than they were and they're already dead and lived a less enjoyable or shorter life than i already have. it's somehow comforting to assume a sort of justice system where your death is natural and in-league with what's 'fair'. then i think, what if justice is just a biological evolution or concept, and there's true chaos? oh shit, what do i do? live like a rockstar? how would that ultimately matter? if you had to experience excruciating pain for 1 minute, but then immediately afterward, your memory of it got wiped away, would that experience matter? how? maybe believing in something just to mete out a happy existence on earth is worth it in itself. i numb myself incessantly with thoughts and ideas. also, i realize that if there is an afterlife, i will probably experience it unlike anything i can understand or even probably relate to. it's almost annoying to hear people describe an afterlife like they're doing it human bodies... seeing and hearing... feeling emotions that are chemical based. the light at the end of the tunnel, and out-of-body experiences... these could all be defense mechanisms or mixed conscious/subcon experiences of a brain and body turning off. sometimes i want to say that the cycle of pain and pleasure here on earth isn't worth taking a chance on anything else... that playing with my dog in the backyard on a fall evening while smelling somebody cooking hamburger in the distance is as happy as i want to be.

also there's the matter of what if there IS an afterlife, and i'm damaging myself in that existence by my pessimistic thoughts now? all of this is still scratching the surface, but i'll stop. there's no need in going overboard (my default). i overthink everything, but this afterlife idea is one that i don't easily toss away when i'm tired of thinking about it. i honestly wanted to start this thread just to get some opinions and details to dilute my consternation, and it really has helped hearing all of your stories and ideas (except triggerfin's plzplzmakethebadmanstop). sometimes i look at the guy ringing up my groceries and think 'we're fucked'... how are he and i existentially the same? maybe our souls are all just storm troopers or something... it's comforting to hear and interact with people whose opinions and intelligence you trust.

thanks guys

i learned everything i know from KC