The Ex.
You have custody... but do you live in the same town? If your situation is like many others, the Ex is vying desperately for the daughter to "come over to the dark side". This makes it even tougher to parent as you think is best, since the parents aren't working together for the benefit of the child... one of them may want the child at any cost, even if it means undermining the other parent and the dicipline they impose. Even more reason to keep communication channels open with the child about why you make the decisions you do.
That all being said, here's my harsh opinion... participating in extracurricular activities is all part of their education, and an idle mind is the devil's playground. Keeping her out of basketball is akin to keeping her home from school as punishment.
IMHO you have multiple reasons to try to wiggle delicately out of your firm stand on no basketball. I'm a firm beleiver in following-up on parental threats, but I'm also a firm believer in parents apologizing when they've made mistakes (not saying you make a mistake per se). Consider a sit-down talk where you discuss how important basketball is to her development, and how you'd like to see her continued participation, and discuss what other privilages she may need to give up as a result of not keeping her word on the other issues you alluded to.
If she's got a good coach, he should welcome the opportunity to be a part of that discussion, since coaches are basically father figures, and you can show your daughter that you and the coach are working together to her benefit. I played this card with my son's karate sensei when I had dicipline issues in the home, and it worked like a charm. The sensei agreed my son could not promote in his belts until his dicipline issues at home were corrected, since advancing in karate means learning self control and self dicipline. Seeing a united front against him, my son turned himself around in short order.
I don't envy your position. There is no one right answer, but what ever you choose to do, keep it calm and consistant, and then let it ride. Sleep well knowing you've done your best, and thats all you can do.
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