Okay guys, I'm throwing in the towel on this one. Given the limitations of my software, I can't make the gradients look any better than this, and I hate the silkscreen texture look so I don't even shoot for it. I experimented using Paintbrush spray can, but it didn't move to transparency worth a shit. This works for my needs, but not accurate enough for a submission.
[ATTACHED IMAGE - CLICK FOR FULL SIZE]
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I have officially retired from sucking at everything I do. Life is much easier now.