MAMEWorld Forums - The Loony Bin - Dear makers of Corn King bacon,

I'm not a professional chef, but I have cooked my share of bacon. I've had great bacon, and I've had shitty bacon. Even shitty bacon is usually pretty good, which brings me to the point of writing this. Your "bacon", if you can even call it that, is "inedible" shitty. I shall elaborate.

First, kudos on that little "take a look at a sample slice through a cardboard flap" thing. It's how I managed to buy your pork based tripe. The tiny section of "bacon" you see ~looks~ safe enough. Marketing at its finest.

Now, where do I begin. I guess I'll start with another kudos, on figuring out a way to make "bacon" look sliced, even though it isn't. I don't know how you manage to slice only a 1" perimeter around your bacon, but that is some fancy machine work right there. Heck, maybe you aren't really slicing at all. Maybe you are just forming that crisco-like fat substance in place. BTW, is that stuff supposed to be bacon fat? That oreo filling really doesn't cook the same as bacon fat if you haven't attempted cooking a sample slice yet.

While were are on the topic of what your product is actually made from, what part of the pig are you using in your "bacon"? Are you using pig? I'll assume you are, but good lord I haven't seen such fat pulled from a pig since...well ever...and I've cooked a few whole pigs. Maybe your farmers should feed the pigs less sweets.

The parts of your "bacon" that was actually meat tended to clump together due to your interesting cutting methods. The "bacon" that was edible (about 3% of it) tasted like rabbit. A little gamey, compact, yet not tough. Interesting, but definitely not bacon. Just a thought, is your "bacon" a corn or soybean based vegan food? It's still shitty for vegan bacon, but it might explain my bewilderment.

The most interesting part of your "bacon", however, was something I've never seen in all my years of cooking. The middle "meat" and crisco-like substance in your "bacon" never brown. Instead, the very edge of your bacon seems to absorb all of the heat. That edge turns to solid rock. No exaggeration here, it turns to fucking rock. The remainder stays fairly raw. Raw and gooey. Maybe you have devised some advanced molecular gastronomy to achieve this. All I know is that a lot of companies would pay good money to understand that process. Fire departments could coat the firemen's suit with your bacon to re-direct heat from a house fire.

Whatever it is that you are making, please stop making it. I've had the taste and texture stuck in my brain like a scene from a horror movie. I might need therapy to get over the aversion I now have to bacon. At the very least, please stop marketing it as bacon. "Bacon shaped rabbit", "Designer crisco", or even "Fire retardent" would be good possibilities. Whatever you do, don't call it bacon.