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I feel guilty... A parent's perspective
#241187 - 12/14/10 08:39 PM
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So my daughter wants to play basketball at her high school. She is a good kid, but has had issues in the past year and a half with half truths her mother (my ex - I have full physical custody) has been telling her. So I set down some ground rules that she has to follow in order for her to play. She breaks every one of them. I tell her this morning that she is done playing basketball because she went back on her word. And of course she isn't happy.
WHY AM I THE ONE FEELING ROTTEN!?!? 
Is it a lost art for a parent to actually hold the kid accountable? Her coach thinks I might be overreacting and tried to poo-poo the whole thing. Problem is, the coach doesn't know the whole background.
Edited by TheBigAmbulance (12/14/10 08:40 PM)
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Re: I feel guilty... A parent's perspective
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241192 - 12/14/10 09:30 PM
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Oh boy... I sure can't wait until some douchebag coach tries to "instruct" me on what's better for my son. I'm going to have a hard time NOT telling the coach to STFU and get out of my sight...
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[url=http://www.idahogaragecade.com[/url] Idaho Garagecade (Updated 08/02/18)
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That's what I thought....
[Re: FrizzleFried]
#241193 - 12/14/10 09:40 PM
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I know that the coach probably means well, and that they are actually short of players in the first place. What I tried to get across to my daughter is that integrity means more than being part of the click. If she is part of the group and has no charecter outside of the click, then I've taught her nothing. I always thought sports was about integrity.
I guess I just have a "old fashioned" way at looking at the world. When a persons word was work more than anything else.
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italie |
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MAME owes italie many thank yous, hah
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Re: That's what I thought....
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241197 - 12/14/10 10:29 PM
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> I know that the coach probably means well, and that they are actually short of
> players in the first place. What I tried to get across to my daughter is that
> integrity means more than being part of the click. If she is part of the group and
> has no charecter outside of the click, then I've taught her nothing. I always thought
> sports was about integrity.
>
> I guess I just have a "old fashioned" way at looking at the world. When a persons
> word was work more than anything else.
Let me send out HUGE props for being a proper parent. Having the balls to teach your kid a lesson, while at the same time feeling horrible about it, is a sure sign you're one of the 'good ones' / doing it right. Shortage of good parents these days it seems.
[/virtual high 5]
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Thanks....
[Re: italie]
#241198 - 12/14/10 10:36 PM
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| Tomu Breidah |
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No Problems, Only Solutions
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Re: I feel guilty... A parent's perspective
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241199 - 12/14/10 11:31 PM
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Have you made it known to her how it makes you feel to have to punish her?
It's one thing for them to hurt for not being able to do what they want, another to hurt knowing they've hurt you.... If they're capable of that. I would hope they would be. But, if they were (she was) like that... I'm sure they/she wouldn't've told a lie in the first place.
:-S
Don't mind my rambling. I'm the last person that should be giving out parenting advice.
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LEVEL-4
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Re: I feel guilty... A parent's perspective
[Re: Tomu Breidah]
#241202 - 12/14/10 11:38 PM
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Oh yeah. I've tried to make it clear to her that her actions are what has caused all of this. Not very masculine, but I even had a tear in my eye to tell her how bad this hurts. I tried my damndest to make sure she knows that this isn't an over reaction to her issues and that she brought the thunder down herself. It's just my reaction to her breaking the rules. But I still feel horrible because her Christmas present was going to be Basketball Shoes!
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| Peale |
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Green Mountain Man
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Re: I feel guilty... A parent's perspective
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241206 - 12/15/10 02:50 AM
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Did you word that correctly? The Daughter has been having problems because of half-truths your EX was telling her?
Not knowing the whole story, I really can't weigh in. Except this: following thru with parental threats - and then sticking with them - is the only way they're ever going to learn.
That said...playing basketball for her school is a great way to develop other skills. In addition, now that she's been playing, she's made a commitment to the team and that punishes them too. I wouldn't take something positive away that has the opportunity to benefit her - I would find some other way to punish her.
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Re: I feel guilty... A parent's perspective
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241215 - 12/15/10 06:24 AM
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So still give her the shoes and let her play next year and tell her on Christmas that her punishment was to go through 10 days of mental anguish. Simple.
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Thanks for all of the advise! This should hopefully all turn out for the better
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GatKong |
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Tetris Mason
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The one thing no one seems to take into account....
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241248 - 12/15/10 05:24 PM
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The Ex.
You have custody... but do you live in the same town? If your situation is like many others, the Ex is vying desperately for the daughter to "come over to the dark side". This makes it even tougher to parent as you think is best, since the parents aren't working together for the benefit of the child... one of them may want the child at any cost, even if it means undermining the other parent and the dicipline they impose. Even more reason to keep communication channels open with the child about why you make the decisions you do.
That all being said, here's my harsh opinion... participating in extracurricular activities is all part of their education, and an idle mind is the devil's playground. Keeping her out of basketball is akin to keeping her home from school as punishment.
IMHO you have multiple reasons to try to wiggle delicately out of your firm stand on no basketball. I'm a firm beleiver in following-up on parental threats, but I'm also a firm believer in parents apologizing when they've made mistakes (not saying you make a mistake per se). Consider a sit-down talk where you discuss how important basketball is to her development, and how you'd like to see her continued participation, and discuss what other privilages she may need to give up as a result of not keeping her word on the other issues you alluded to.
If she's got a good coach, he should welcome the opportunity to be a part of that discussion, since coaches are basically father figures, and you can show your daughter that you and the coach are working together to her benefit. I played this card with my son's karate sensei when I had dicipline issues in the home, and it worked like a charm. The sensei agreed my son could not promote in his belts until his dicipline issues at home were corrected, since advancing in karate means learning self control and self dicipline. Seeing a united front against him, my son turned himself around in short order.
I don't envy your position. There is no one right answer, but what ever you choose to do, keep it calm and consistant, and then let it ride. Sleep well knowing you've done your best, and thats all you can do.
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A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: GatKong]
#241253 - 12/15/10 07:26 PM
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No, we don't live in the same town.
Ok, minor history into TheBigAmblance's life.
Set the way back machine to 1992. Got married to a gal that I thought was the "one". First few years were good, had a couple of kids. THEN it hit the fan. Pretty soon she was out all night, coming home right before I had to leave for work and the like. Then she started working at a bar. When I started hearing rumors of how she was giving Chlamydia to guys that she would sleep with after closing, I scrubbed my junk with a flame thrower and UV radiation, and then I decided to confront her on it. She then decided to buy a bar because I was a "fuddy duddy". I gave her an ultimatum (me/kids or the bar). She made her choice... The Bar. Therefor I fought and received full custody of my three kids on October, 1999. So now 11 years later, my kids are extremely confused at her behavior. She told the child that is having attitude issues that the child just about died during child birth and that she couldn't tolerate baby formula so she was given goats milk (absolute BS). Me and my current wife (who has worked in mental health-VERY happily married for 8 years now) are both convinced that the ex is manic depressive or bipolar. It's the classic "I'm a victim" syndrome. Everyone is against her and the little gray cloud will never leave her alone.
The reason I bring the EX into this is that her family has a HUGE history of manipulation behind them. For example, after the ex's grandmother heard how I filed for divorce, she called me and said "how can you do this to me"? The oldest and youngest understand this more than the middle child. During the custody proceedings, the ex wanted the middle daughter (the attitude one) and I could have the other two. In a legal method, I told her "no way in hell, you are f***ing crazy"!
But I degress.... My middle daughter has had incidents for the last year and a half. I have given her more than the benefit of a doubt that her attitude is really not what its supposed to be. So, unfortunately, she kinda decided this for me. Unfortunate, but it is what it is.
Ok, enough. Now that I'm depressed I'm going to look for Andrew's posts. I need some cheering up!
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| GatKong |
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Tetris Mason
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241256 - 12/15/10 08:15 PM
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>The reason I bring the EX into this is that her family has a HUGE history of manipulation behind them.
There's a lesson they don't teach in school.... apples never fall far from the tree.
They should have a mandatory class in high school about relationships... how to pick 'em, how to end them, and how to keep them healthy if you're committed to the long haul.
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: GatKong]
#241258 - 12/15/10 08:37 PM
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no doubt...
Best advise for me at that age (Quote from DC Cab)
Don't let your dick run your life!
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| Tomu Breidah |
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No Problems, Only Solutions
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241280 - 12/16/10 12:49 AM
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> no doubt...
>
> Best advise for me at that age (Quote from DC Cab)
> Don't let your dick run your life!
....or it will ruin your life. 
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241284 - 12/16/10 12:54 AM
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> Set the way back machine to 1992. Got married to a gal that I thought was the "one".
lol
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: Tomu Breidah]
#241287 - 12/16/10 01:17 AM
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> > no doubt...
> >
> > Best advise for me at that age (Quote from DC Cab)
> > Don't let your dick run your life!
>
> ....or it will ruin your life.
I'm still single, but it's funny how my friends think about how boring or a bad choice was to get married... they don't have more than 8 years in the process. Half of them divorced. Another lesson: don't ever think about having kids during the first 3 or 4 years after both share the same house. Children always pay for it.
Last lesson: Beauty as a novelty sooner or later fades off. Love is a fragile column it can't stand for its own forever, so make sure there's also trust, friendship, team work and support. You already know that in some way or another, so basically i'm stating the facts for the younger ones. Hormones, sex accessibility and a night is enough to determine the rest of your life after.
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| Naoki |
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241290 - 12/16/10 01:51 AM
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I know two other people that are like that. I mean that they are trying to make you look bad. My dad has lied before a few times, trying to act like she's the bad one. He lied saying he wasn't alive before, brought his family into it, so now I don't get to speak to my Dad's parents and even said I wasn't his son and that I was my mum's neighbors kid... *sigh* Then he acts nice towards me. I don't know how to feel, he's my dad and he gave me life, but I hate how he treats my mum..
And my mum's current boyfriend also has the same issue with his ex. She is trying to make his lfe worse by trying to convince the kids, treating him badly, blaming him for stuff he didn't even do. HE's been at court cases about his kids to see if their mother can look after them, and it's wearing him out. Poor guy..
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| GatKong |
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Tetris Mason
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: BIOS-D]
#241292 - 12/16/10 02:22 AM
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>Hormones, sex accessibility and a night is enough to determine the rest of your life after.
I do that all the time... typo off the negative, which completely changes the meaning of your intention...
"Hormones, sex accessibility and a night isn't enough to determine the rest of your life after."
Right?
>trust, friendship, team work and support
Agreed. I would add "giving" as well. Which is to say being unselfish. Most couples I know (my past relationships included) break up surrounding issues of money, sex, and time. Basically one of the pair isn't giving the other "enough" of one of the three... OOOOOooor or one of the pair is demanding too much of one of the three. If both in the pair were both doing all what they could do be unselfish with the money, the sex, and the time, then in theory the pair could circumvent the big-three relationship killers right there.
Every day put some money in her purse, eat her pussy out, and take care of the kids so she can have some free time. If she loves you, she'll be doing what she can to return the generosity... and everybody is happy.
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: GatKong]
#241298 - 12/16/10 03:16 AM
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> I do that all the time... typo off the negative, which completely changes the meaning
> of your intention...
>
Sorry about that, i forgot to add "when you're young and not considering consequences and responsibilities". After all we want to discover the experience sooner, but our impatience leads us to ignore what comes ahead. It's part of growing up.
> Agreed. I would add "giving" as well. Which is to say being unselfish. Most couples I
> know (my past relationships included) break up surrounding issues of money, sex, and
> time. Basically one of the pair isn't giving the other "enough" of one of the
> three... OOOOOooor or one of the pair is demanding too much of one of the three. If
> both in the pair were both doing all what they could do be unselfish with the money,
> the sex, and the time, then in theory the pair could circumvent the big-three
> relationship killers right there.
>
> Every day put some money in her purse, eat her pussy out, and take care of the kids
> so she can have some free time. If she loves you, she'll be doing what she can to
> return the generosity... and everybody is happy.
I couldn't have explained it better. Giving is the key of any relationship. We're selfish by nature, even when we share a bed with someone for the first time we're obeying our necessities, so we behave in forms different to what we really are. That's how misunderstandings and false impressions start. That's how i understood why some TV shows touched the "if you love her, just be yourself" theme.
I have the feeling i'll end married with the typical single mom with two kids. But if that happens i hope by then, whoever she is, knows what she wants and needs to give as i do. Otherwise i prefer to still be alone.
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: TheBigAmbulance]
#241313 - 12/16/10 07:07 AM
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> But I degress.... My middle daughter has had incidents for the last year and a half.
> I have given her more than the benefit of a doubt that her attitude is really not
> what its supposed to be. So, unfortunately, she kinda decided this for me.
> Unfortunate, but it is what it is.
I may be totally off base here, but is it possible that your daughter is gay? Some girls have behavioral problems in their teens because they don't understand the feelings they have and don't know how (or who) to talk to about them. It's tough just being a teenager these days, but being a gay teenager is infinitely more difficult. Just something to consider.
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Re: A Soap Opera writer can't come up with this....
[Re: krick]
#241344 - 12/16/10 04:48 PM
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LOL... um, don't know. I guess I never thought of that before. It could very well be.
It also could be that she is just a teenager who thinks that they run the world. How is a parent to know I guess. I'm trying to support here either way and make her understand how here actions are effecting everyone.
Edited by TheBigAmbulance (12/16/10 05:00 PM)
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